Is it really pitiful to have no children to take care of in one's later years?

Production | Tiger Smell Youth Culture Group

Author | Mu Zitong

Editor, draftsman | Slag County

This article was first published on the official account of Huxiu4youth. Here, we present the faces, stories, and attitudes of young people today.

Presumably, everyone who has not yet married has heard their parents nagging, "If you don't have children, who will take care of you when you get old

It seems that becoming a lonely elderly person is the greatest tragedy in the world.

In my impression, the life of lonely and widowed elderly people is always lonely, gray, and filled with garbage. The air is filled with the old man's scent, and every corner is filled with "loneliness" and "pity".

But recently, I heard a completely different statement:

Lonely elderly people are lonely, but loneliness is not pitiful

The person who said this was Mr. Kobayashi, 64 years old, a Japanese man who served as the president of the town council in Hiroshima Prefecture. The town will be similar to our neighborhood committee, but it is not a government organization, but rather a voluntary nature.

After serving as the president for 5 years, Mr. Kobayashi took care of over 400 households in the town. He was surprised to find that "many elderly people living alone do not dislike loneliness, they even enjoy it very much

Loneliness is a major issue in Japanese society. Entering the super elderly society 30 years earlier than China, Japan has a single elderly population of 13.74 million, and communities across the country are already dominated by the elderly. Some of these elderly people have been unmarried and childless for their entire lives, while others have lost their spouse or children in their later years. Through various reasons and circumstances, they ultimately remain alone.

One of the activities in the town: carrying a shrine and patrolling the community

When it comes to loneliness, it seems like one can pick up a long list of problems, such as being left unattended, depression, and "dying alone" at home.

Due to concerns about the large number of single elderly people, the Japanese government has even established a "Loneliness and Isolation Response Office". Communities and public welfare organizations are also doing their best to help elderly people living alone resolve their problems.

Mr. Kobayashi's town council is also one of them. Like the neighborhood committees in China, the town regularly organizes activities for elderly people living alone, such as jumping, broadcasting, gymnastics, or taking walks together.

But after several activities, Mr. Xiaoyuan discovered a strange rule: the activity can only be the activity itself, and after the end, it must be dissolved in place. It is not allowed to arrange meals or chat together after the activity.

Otherwise, many people won't come next time

It's not because eating requires extra money, it's simply because you don't want to socialize too much with people.

Current situation of the town council: Volunteers aged 60 and 70, taking care of elderly people aged 80 and 90

Similar situations occur during door-to-door visits, where Mr. Xiaoyuan often encounters elderly people who refuse to open the door.

When the doorbell rang, they knew very well that the old man was at home because the curtain facing the street had quietly opened a small crack. But when Mr. Xiaoyuan greeted the window, the curtains immediately brushed back to their original position, and the room was silent, as if one could hear the prayers of the people inside waiting for the outsiders to leave quickly.

Why is this so? Mr. Xiaoyuan answered because of "social anxiety".

We may think that isolated elderly people crave every opportunity to communicate with others, but the reality is that many of them prefer the 'don't disturb mode'.

Social anxiety is not the exclusive preserve of this generation of young people. In Japan, where etiquette and tone pressure are emphasized, socializing with people is a laborious activity at any age. Especially for introverted individuals, simply maintaining a full emotional state is enough to drain their energy.

These Japanese elderly people have been observing their behavior for a lifetime, and they prefer to be alone for a while in their old age.

Whenever he sees TV news reporting on the tragic situation of the lonely elderly, Mr. Xiaoyuan always feels a bit at odds. In those reports, elderly people are always portrayed as very tragic objects because they "stink when they die alone at home".

But after years of community work, Mr. Xiaoyuan believes that this statement only mentions the first half of loneliness, and there is still a second half that is not mentioned:

They are very lonely, but this loneliness is their own choice

Actually, before their death, those elderly people were likely to be quite comfortable and happy

Because loneliness and isolation do not necessarily mean misery, they are a state of life. Some people are afraid of them, while others naturally see them as friends who break free from interpersonal relationships.

Entering the bookstore, in the elderly care and motivation section, you can even find many new books praising loneliness.

There is a book called "Loneliness is the Best Old Queen", which is the author's experience after taking care of over 1000 "lonely elderly people".

This is very different from the tone we are used to hearing. After listening to Mr. Xiaoyuan's sharing, an idea couldn't help but come to my mind:

Japanese elderly people think so, but what about Chinese elderly people?

As an elderly unmarried youth, I sincerely hope to hear some experiences of 'loneliness is not terrifying' from the single elderly population in China.

This will give me immense comfort and security in my future.

With such hope in mind, I began a visit to the "elderly people who are lonely and widowed", but the beginning of the visit was a blow in the face.

I have found that unlike Japanese elderly people, Chinese elderly people do not enjoy loneliness and are overwhelmed by the inconvenience of this kind of life.

You can never imagine how many patches solitary elderly people need to add to their lives without entering their homes. No need to add more rendering, just a few trivial details are enough to start making people uneasy.

Grandpa Ye, who is 83 years old, has five kitchen timers at home. As he gets older, he tends to forget things and is afraid of turning off the heat when the vegetables are cooked in the pot.

Not long ago, a pot of Braised pork belly served to guests became a paste. I accidentally fell asleep while simmering on low heat.

There is also a built-in doorbell in his entrance, and once it approaches, a mechanical female voice will automatically loop and announce, "Please bring your phone, keys, wallet, and ID card when you go out

No one can remind you of major or minor matters, it's all up to you to take responsibility for yourself.

When the machine of the body begins to decay and the fault tolerance rate decreases infinitely, everything that was not originally a problem becomes a problem.

A light rope can trap Grandma Yin for a day.

Grandma Yin lives in an old-fashioned Khrushchev building. The biggest difference between this 1950s building and other commercial buildings is that it is made of solid materials and is cost-effective, with a height of one and a half floors that can top a regular building.

If the light cord breaks, just replace it, but the switch for the electric light is located under the ceiling, far from the ground. For an 80 year old woman, replacing the light cord is almost impossible, and she can only wait for the community's volunteer service team to come and help her.

Interior landscape of Khrushchev Tower: extremely high floor height

If you get sick, it's even more of a disaster.

Liang Huilan, a member of the Huilan Volunteer Service Team in the Dongli Community of Beijing Balizhuang and a national model worker, received more than one call for help from a single elderly person in the middle of the night.

When we arrived at the scene, there were all kinds of scenes.

Some are better, the elderly are still conscious, while others are less, naked and filthy, already unknown to everyone.

A solitary elderly person with a child living abroad had a sudden illness and was found lying on the ground for a day and a night.

I asked her to describe the life state of a single elderly person she had experienced in three words, and she pondered and replied:

Lonely, lonely, helpless

After searching my heart and soul, I couldn't find a more sunny vocabulary.

Helplessness, helplessness, and powerlessness are also themes repeatedly mentioned by the elderly during the visit.

When we were young, we always thought we could rely on ourselves even when we were old, but at that time we didn't understand what it meant to be physically and mentally exhausted.

Grandma Yin is a person who loves to run. Before the epidemic, almost all the parks in Beijing were visited. When she saw someone singing, she joined in and sang along with them.

But since I fell, I feel like I have put a weight in my waist, always falling backwards and unable to walk a long distance. Grandma Yin's living radius immediately collapsed, shrinking from the entire capital to the surrounding community.

Grandma Yin's good friend, Grandma Zhou, cannot speak to people several times a week because she has a deaf ear and cannot hear others clearly, so she doesn't want to cause trouble.

Seeing what others are saying, Grandma Zhou sometimes couldn't help but mutter to herself, "I can't hear you, I can't hear what you're saying at all

Grandpa Ye's bedside table is adorned with decorations from his friends' birthday cake

They don't know who to turn to for help when they have some physical problems or difficulties in life. The distant relatives are not in Beijing, and the neighborhood committee cannot help but rely on volunteers to support them,

At the age of 77, Grandma Yin always thinks about her neighbors when she cooks delicious food, and shares any good food with her neighbors.

Don't worry about anything else, just call for someone to take care of you when you're sick.

But volunteers and neighbors are not family members after all, and they cannot be around at all times. Whenever the night is quiet and the small room is shrouded in silence, a gloomy and hopeless mood cannot stop climbing up to my heart: what if... what will I do in the future?

There is a worse case, from a grandmother who Liang Huilan helped. This grandmother met a young man and treated her very well. She said she wanted to provide for her retirement, but in fact, she was a scammer.

The scammer took the old man's house book, passbook, and ID card, sweeping away the wealth he had accumulated throughout his life. After the volunteers discovered it, they quickly led the elderly to cancel and reissue their documents in an attempt to stop losses.

Unexpectedly, when the volunteers left, the fraudster made a comeback and gained the trust of the elderly again, taking away the newly reissued documents. It's like a guerrilla warfare.

Why is the elderly so confused? Because she suffers from Alzheimer's disease, she is unable to fully control her behavior.

This is precisely the weakness of elderly celibates. When physical and mental disabilities occur, these elderly people who are accustomed to self-reliance do not know who else to rely on besides themselves.

The immense loneliness always follows behind them, desperately running outwards and focusing on one's own hobbies, loneliness can be pushed further away. Once it stops and closes its eyes, loneliness tightly envelops itself again.

Their experiences do not bring comfort to young people who yearn for celibacy, as they are trapped in loneliness.

Although Grandma Yin does not regret choosing to be single, when I asked for advice on young people nowadays, she still replied without hesitation:

It's better to get married and have children

Grandma Zhou agreed, "Don't go against the laws of nature

Don't worry, this is not a marriage advice post.

After fully explaining the loneliness dilemma of Chinese elderly people, we will now say that loneliness is not an unsolvable problem.

Firstly, it is worth making clear that loneliness in later years is not exclusive to the "lonely elderly".

Even if their children are still alive, there are many elderly people who are in de facto loneliness due to their distant residences and strained parent-child relationships.

Therefore, getting married and having children is not a one-time solution to loneliness in old age.

In fact, loneliness is a relative concept.

When young and healthy, 'loneliness' has another name -' freedom '.

Before the old companion passed away, Grandma Zhou was the wife who had to take care of three meals a day and go to bed and get up on time. After her old companion passed away, Grandma Zhou became an ordinary person again. Whether it's cooking or daily routine, there's no longer a need to worry about the needs of others:

I'll make a cabbage for dinner and just have a simple meal. It's okay to sleep late, you can swipe your phone until you fall asleep

Before the epidemic, when her body was still strong, Grandma Yin, who loved to play, also invited friends and played around.

At the age of 77, Grandma Yin is even more elegant, spending 200000 yuan to buy a two bedroom apartment on the coast of Shandong, becoming an elderly migrant bird. In summer, I go to the seaside, and in winter, I return to Beijing. The rest of the time is spent in various places, with 80% of the year running outside.

One day, if you want to go to Xishuangbanna, let the group say hello, find a travel companion, make an appointment to meet in Yunnan, and buy a plane ticket on the spot to depart.

Because of being single, I am willing to spoil myself.

Chatting with Grandma Yin, suddenly the doorbell rang, it was a courier. Grandma Yin stood up to pick it up, and a faint voice of conversation came from behind the door: 'We still need 400 yuan to pay.'

I couldn't help but wonder to myself, why does a courier cost so much money?

I saw Grandma Yin turn around and enter the room, holding a small cardboard box the size of two palms in her hand and laughing, "I bought a sea cucumber

You see, I have delicious food here

As she spoke, she casually flipped through the window, revealing dried mango, goat milk powder, and various supplements. Grandma Yin never treated herself unfairly in her mouth.

Grandpa Ye went to Sibu Sibu to recharge his membership, and when friends came to visit, he went to Sibu to have a meal.

The time of a solitary person belongs to them, and if they want to develop some hobbies, no one will mock them as saying 'you are already at this age'.

Aunt Yin, who enjoys singing, practices singing at home, while drama actor Grandpa Ye teaches people to dance and arranges plays.

Aunt Yin loves to explore new things and plays short videos casually.

Moreover, it played very well. There were more than 3100 fans on Tiktok alone, and the traffic feedback "can at least cover the network fee".

The transition from 'freedom' to 'loneliness' often begins with a serious illness.

For example, a wrestling or cardiovascular disease can cause a sharp decline in the physical and mental health of the elderly.

Ultimately, whether it's' freedom 'or' loneliness' depends on whether one can receive good care.

When one can still take care of oneself, 'freedom' means' freedom '. When one cannot take care of oneself or receive care of oneself,' freedom 'becomes' loneliness'.

What is terrifying is never loneliness, but powerlessness and helplessness in a state of loneliness.

When the body is too weak to take care of itself, the elderly urgently need a helper to help deal with various problems in life. In an ordinary family, this helper role is usually played by children, while the position of a single elderly person in the home is vacant.

So the solution is also very simple. Find a way to take care of yourself, and naturally there will be no powerlessness or helplessness.

There are two solutions, one is to hire a home caregiver, and the other is to live in a nursing home.

However, the minimum cost for a full-time caregiver in the Beijing area is 4500 yuan per month. As for nursing homes, those with good location, high reputation, and an area of around 20 square meters, coupled with full care caregivers priced close to 20000 yuan.

For ordinary elderly people with a pension of only four or five thousand yuan, it is difficult to afford.

I am unable to take care of myself and afford social support, so I naturally feel powerless.

The price of a high-end nursing home in the Shijingshan area of Beijing: "How much does it cost to provide for elderly care in first tier cities

After all, the most unbearable thing is not loneliness, but poverty.

So why wouldn't Japanese elderly people face the same poverty dilemma?

The reason is that Japan has a more comprehensive pension insurance and nursing system. In Japan, elderly people can use the national pension insurance to stay in public nursing homes, and they will also allocate a commercial insurance for themselves before retirement, or choose a home care company.

The so-called home care is like hiring a family doctor and butler, with nursing staff visiting the elderly twice a day to take care of their situation and assist them in completing tasks beyond their daily abilities.

Mature nursing companies do not charge expensive fees, and ordinary elderly people are also able to afford them. Therefore, Japanese elderly people can avoid powerlessness and helplessness and truly enjoy the "freedom and loneliness".

The service content of 'access care'

The author of 'Loneliness is the Best Old Queen', Dunko Matsubara, has a very interesting observation. She found that in Japan's top nursing homes, there are elderly people who are not worried about food and clothing. They enjoy a super five-star retirement and nursing environment, but they don't live a lively life at all.

In the cafeteria of this nursing home, all elderly people choose to sit facing the window view instead of dining face-to-face, and there are few people communicating with each other during eating.

This made Matsubara Dunzi truly feel for the first time that 'loneliness' was also a form of happiness in his later years.

Japan's high-end nursing homes are like fashionable vacation hotels

The previous generation of Chinese people who enjoyed excitement may find it difficult to understand this idea.

In Chinese style family relationships, "parent-child" is the eternal theme. Parents wholeheartedly work for their children for a lifetime, and their children become the spiritual anchor of their parents in this world.

All social functions rely on strong interpersonal relationships to operate. Losing connections with children and others makes it inevitable for Chinese elderly people to lose their sense of security.

But not every country is like this. Not to mention Europe and America, which have vastly different cultures, but to mention neighboring Japan, "interpersonal dependency" is much weaker.

My friend Taitian, a college teacher with great empathy, is famous for his kindness and humanistic care. This way, he only talks to his mother on the phone once a month, in his original words, it's' see if my mother is still alive '.

In the eyes of Chinese people, this may seem somewhat indifferent, but in Japan, where kinship is weak, it is the most normal frequency.

Japanese elderly people have long understood that no matter who they are, they will always be alone in the end.

The younger generation in China is accepting this approach.

Because we are also experiencing the disintegration of the traditional "nuclear family" and the reconstruction of new social forms. More and more young people are becoming socially fearful, which is not only a side effect brought about by the internet, but also implies that the social rules that young people trust are transitioning from a "human" dimension to a "institutional" dimension.

Recently, a type of meme has become popular on Xiaohongshu - parents ask, 'If you don't have children in the future, who will take care of you when you get old?'?

The answer is a P picture. In front of the hospital bed, filial children and wise grandchildren are pets, mice, cats, and dogs.

Young people no longer aspire to "take care of their children and prevent aging", but rather rely on themselves to take good care of themselves.

Compared to marriage and childbirth, which are full of uncertainty, this is undoubtedly a more worry free option - as long as you double your efforts now and save a small amount of money.

Note: Thank you to Ms. Liang Huilan and Ms. Bai Jingyuan of the Huilan Volunteer Service Team in Beijing Balizhuang Dongli Community for their enthusiastic assistance in this article.